Crisis Point

Dear someone,

I am at crisis point in my life,in a couple of months,i would be 25,quarter life,if u are lucky enough to live to be 100. From childhood,i did everything i was suppose to do,went to school,excelled, with exemplary disciplinary record. Went to college,grades went down but due to sheer self perseverance managed to make amazing recovery. Got in to top university of my field of interest , and did my internship at one of the busiest and most popular institutes of the country,popular enough to get you a job just by its name on you CV.

But the moment it ended,the moment my internship ended and the real world started. The moment the path that was laid out in front of me for me ended,and i was free to do anything and everything on my own,that is when the crises started. Now i dont know,in long term,what do you live for,what code of conduct do you follow,now that i have everything i ever wanted in my hand,what do i do with it,and where do i go.

Procrastination,indulgence,negative self talk,envy,self sabotage,and a feisty tongue is my forte,i have been raised and trained enough to recognize it,but have trouble changing it. Don’t get me wrong,i don’t want to be this way,but the moment i want to change i either procrastinate or self indulge,starting the cycle all over again. I want to be like one of those positive people that give,love,meditate and are satisfied but i am not there yet,and i dn’t know if i ever will be,but i want to

i read their blogs,write their tips,try to do as i am told,but of no avail.

And then there are the weddings, and love life, from people who are younger than me and people who i used to sit beside in class,people getting pregnant,having babies,starting their lives. Like all humans,i crave intimacy. And social convention tells me that its high time that i found a partner. But not only i cant find a partner to be intimate with,the moment i find it,i reject it,decline it,sabotage it. Why?i dn’t know

On top of that,i don’t care how i look,which is a problem all on its own,i am a woman,i should look good,but i have gained 10 kg above my ideal weight and i don’t care,i had severe hair fall and stress lines during my internship year and still haven’t recovered from that look and i don’t care,which is not helping me finding a partner cause

Not very religious,was bought up in a mildly religious home with a society whose base and hinge is religious principles,but still trouble talking to God.

And here i am trying to find meaning of life and meaning of self,have to live bigger than social convention,of an automated track,cause in few years id be old and frail and i dnt want to look back on my life and wonder what happened.

Yours truly,

self.

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